Home: A reflection on my first year living in SF and not in NYC.
Other titles: “Thank you for listening to me complain for a year.”
“That one time I said I wouldn’t compare SF to NYC.”
“That one year i cried… a lot”
I spent a lot of this year psychoanalyzing every aspect of the transition from NYC to SF. I actually complained and compared so much that I decided that every time I did, I would put a dollar in a jar for my boss to get Philz (you’re welcome). I cried. I cried a lot. I cried leaving NYC, no I actually sobbed uncontrollably leaving that city, I cried seeing friend’s new adorable apartments in NYC, I cried leaving any time I visited*, I cried on the bus (a lot). Who knew a bus commute would be my prime time to reflect and miss friends and life. To work not from. I looked really pretty. I cried sitting at The Mill eating the best toast of my life looking at my best friends post the most fun pictures ever, on Instagram of course. I felt trapped in SF surrounded by water and the most beautiful landscapes. I cried because it was windy and freezing more days than not. ** I cried because I couldn’t for the life of me find someone to hangout with on a Friday night. As much as I’m sure I annoyed coworkers and friends, I actually started annoying myself. I had a realization that this is not who I am. I am that positive, optimistic person who lights up a room (or at least I’ve been told). That’s who I am and who I want to be.
As I was reflecting on the first version of this essay that dove DEEP into root chakra safety stuff, I realized something — nothing actually bad happened this year. I am healthy. I should end this essay now because that’s all that really matters. I have a paycheck and a job that lets me visit NYC often and fly to see friends and family. HOW LUCKY. I am doing my DREAM job. Pretty sure the majority of the world doesn’t love going to work everyday. I work with really amazing humans who respect and motivate me. They also make me laugh, a lot. I met incredible friends this year who have inspired me. This year I went to wine country, Santa Cruz, Ashland, Los Angeles, San Diego, New York, Tahoe, Rhode Island, and on a solo road trip through Maine. I taught yoga every week to coworkers. I went to both of my nephew’s birthday parties. I went to Burning Man. I biked Hawk Hill and survived and saw the most incredible views of the city. I found a yoga studio and teachers I absolutely love and discovered my favorite workout — Lyon Street Steps! I went on dozens of dates (#stillsingle). I got my health in order and found a new therapist. I moved into a studio in a neighborhood that feels like home and feels really safe. Nothing bad happened. Even that scary earthquake… nothing bad happened.
So ya this year was emotionally hard. But is anything truly easy? It takes time to set roots and build community. It takes time to get to know a city and feel safe. It takes time to create a routine and a new life in a brand new foreign place. I remember reading this card after I moved:
“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.” — Winnie the Pooh.
I feel so lucky that New York left such an impression on me that I miss it so much. (guess what? I’m tearing up). I feel so lucky that even though I live on the other coast (and yes West Coast is the best coast even though NYC is the best city — how many dollars do I owe my boss?) I’ve stayed in such good touch with my east coast fam. (cue tears). Thank you snap chat, phone calls, instagram DM, gchat, and all the other ways I feel connected to my best friends around the world.
This is my new home for the unforeseeable future. My home will change and evolve but it won’t affect who I am. I’m excited for year two. A year with a new positive outlook. A year of kindness and compassion for myself. A year of exploration and adventure. A year of being okay with slowing down and relaxing. As we all know, life is full of highs and lows and speed bumps. And while it isn’t easy, it always gets better. So SF, let’s see what you’ve got this year. And as everyone has reminded me, NYC isn’t going anywhere. And probably a good thing I’m number 1 on my old landlord’s tenant list… ya know, just in case.
* I also used to cry leaving California. I express emotion through tears if you didn’t get the hint.
** I know it’s colder in NYC.
