On Happy Tears
Lately, I’ve been obsessed with living in the present and trying to live my best life in SF. If you forgot… my move was hard — I cried a lot, I missed a lot, I felt a lot, I complained a lot, and then with all my new crystals, I declared 2019 a transformative year and decided to be very intentional and take some action rather than wait patiently for happiness to find me. I started to say yes to random parties with no one I knew, met new wonderful humans, I’ve danced more in the past 6 months than I have in 6 years, learned what vulnerable feels like, and have learned to check in with myself daily on how I feel. Minus trash pick up 3x a week, my studio is one of the most magical aspects of 2019 transformation. There is natural light, I take the cable car to work, I feel safe, live close to my favorite Lyon Street Stairs workout, and love the action on Fillmore street below. Most importantly, my root chakra finally feels in balance and it’s kind of amazing to see the rest of your life fall into place once you feel secure with the basics.
Deepak says, “We die all the time. Everything has to recycle. Let the past die because it’s gone. This is the only moment we have” and to “live in the moment and move with the flow.” This idea of if I am enough, truly living in the present, not obsessing over outcomes or dwelling over something you did or said in the past, sounds like pure bliss to me. With this top of mind, I was able to have two aha moments that were complete game changers as it related to my transition to SF and this continued journey of not creating future stories and working on living in the now.
The other Sunday we had gorgeous weather in SF — like bike ride in short sleeves, get totally sunburnt, smile ear-to-ear because it’s finally sunny after having rained the last 4 months and you’re over it, kind of gorgeous weather. I decided to see how hard it was to get to the Golden Gate Bridge via bike from my new apartment (not hard) then continued onto a hard but beautiful urban bike ride. The ride went from the breathtaking bridge views down the coast to Lands End, onto Ocean Beach, then cruising through Golden Gate park onward to my house.
The happy energy in the park was infectious. I stopped and watched the swing dancers dance and have the time of their lives then I continued on and passed a bunch of roller skaters skating to hip-hop music. I almost kept biking, but in true live in the moment you actually have no where to be except a nail salon fashion, I pulled over. I thought this was a big discovery but quickly learned these dancers have been skating around this area for 40 years!
This one guy leads the force, plays amazing music, and starts choreographed dances. It was when they broke into choreographed dance number one when I just started crying. Not the crying I had experienced for so long on my daily commute to work missing friends in New York or complaining to my sister every day about the lack of transportation and how I constantly felt unsafe and missed my old life. They were much needed happy tears. I cried because I felt true joy in that moment and nothing else mattered. I remembered there is a fascinating world far from the tech industry. I was happy to be back in my home state. I was able to join choreographed dance number 2 in bike gear and bike shoes without feeling judged at all. I didn’t feel alone on a Sunday because I know I have people and new friends a phone call away. I just felt really happy.
The blissful feeling remained. I went to NYC a few days later for work trip and for Jenny’s last weekend (true end of an era!). If you know me at all, you know how these New York trips go. I get emotional talking to all of my old friends. I’d basically shed a tear when friends asked how SF was treating me, when I saw a friend’s new adorable studio in the West Village, and when leaving the city I loved only to go back to this new reality. This most recent trip actually surprised me — I felt gratitude and excitement to go back to CA. In a cab (still miss hailing cabs) heading downtown to dinner, I looked down a street and noticed how every street looks like a painting and all the brick colors just flow into the next building and it’s beautiful. This sounds cheesy, but I felt so much gratitude for the fact that NYC had SUCH an impact on my life. How lucky to love a place and time in your life so much. At the end of my 5 days I wasn’t sad to leave and was actually excited to get back home. It felt life changing.
Is SF my forever city? Who knows and who knows especially since I’m just going to enjoy the now. Will I go back to NYC though… the question that every single person asks me. Again who knows, but probably not! I’m feeling inspired to continue exploring all that Northern California has to offer, live in the moment and move with the flow, and hopefully cry a few more happy tears.
